Bright & Shiny

I hereby withdraw my previous entry for those of you who managed to read it.

Yes. Rollercoaster.
Last night, my necklace broke and it felt like it was my heart that shattered. I have a habit of playing with necklaces, twisting them round my fingers, twirling them and such. This was no exception.
The thing is... this necklace has been my most valued possession for about 6 years now. You see... Angel gave it to me. It's one of the last pieces of him I have left. And I broke it. To a point of no repair. I freaked out and I still get a little misty-eyed thining about how stupid I am for breaking it. I know it's silly. It's just a necklace... right?

I've freaked out about a lot of those little things this past week and it's been worrying me a lot, causing me to freak out even more often. But thankfully, I was in taking my monthly bloodtest when apparently my hormone-levels are through the roof. Which only means one thing. My period's acoming.

You have really no idea how relieved I feel, knowing this past week has mostly been PMS. Despite what one assume, my cycle ambushes me everytime. It's not irregular. That word doesn't begin to cover it. I don't have that usual swelling or that bloated feeling most women get a week ahead. If I peak my sexual appetite I don't notice, 'cause frankly, it's already a bit too high. And since the emotional thing creeps up on me so gradually I don't realize it until it's over. There is no warning at all for me. It seriously ambushes me.

Since my PMS only cover the sadness of moodswings I don't really... notice. Because that's how I always am. Sometimes I get sad. Sometimes for no reason at all. It just... switches easier when I have PMS. I don't get irritated. I don't get angry. I get sad. And since I'm sad quite often, how am I to tell that it's hormones? Especially since I'm supposed to have some kind of disorder that is described like PMS all around.

And it's weird because I freak out so much because it's coming back to me. It scares me to death. Because I don't know if I can take it. I don't know if I'm ready to become human again.
Yet I go about it as if it were the most natural thing in the world. To feel. To be alive. To be... happy. That's what it is. I'm getting there. To being happy. And... it scares me so much, I think I might be chasing it off. I don't know how you do that. I don't know how to make it through life like that. I get the dark and twisty part. I seriously get that. But I'm out of my element here. I don't know happy. I've never been happy before. What if I'm wrong? What if I mess it up? How... how am I supposed to do this?

So I just take a deep breath. And another. And another. Until I just... breathe. 'Cause right now, that's my step. My small step forward. That's all I can do. But right now, it's just enough.

The Women of my Admiration

"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe and leave before she is left." - Marilyn Monroe

As I mentioned in a previous post, I had a lot of rolemodels when I grew up. Some of them stayed, some of them didn't. I recently wrote how Greta Garbo climbed onto that list, which is actually not an easy task. The list has changed as I have, each different aspect of me still have a woman it looks up to and admire. Though yes, they all have a common thread that binds them all together. See if you can find it.

I want to make one thing clear before I continue. There is a huge difference between rolemodels and idols. If you can't understand that, then frankly, you shouldn't be reading this blogg at all.


- "Burnt to the core, but not broken."
The very first woman I ever remember admiring was actually Traci Lords. I saw her as Wanda in "Cry Baby" when I was a little girl and there was something in her eyes I couldn't really let go. I didn't know she had been a porn star in the beginning and when I found out I didn't care. If anything, I admired her more. After her book "Underneath It All" I gained a new respect for her as well, even though I am aware that a lot of it might have been involuntarily exaggerated. To this day, I truly admire that strength of her, as well as her ability to not only look forward but to keep on walking.

- "Inside my heart is breaking, ... , but my smile still stays on."
Rita Hayworth came to me somewhere in my early teens, at first simply because she's a redhead, much like myself and I adore that beautiful classic look from her era. So at first it was appearances only, but then I saw one of her films ("You Were Never Lovelier") together with a friend and I was completely hooked. The thing that really got to me though was the difference between her in front of the camera and off the camera. They were like two entirely different women and it was... intruiging. And there is a famous quote from her that really gets to me;
"Men fell in love with Gilda, but they wake up with me."

- "Loneliness will get to you somehow, but everybody loves you now"
Marilyn Monroe is, as you notice at the beginning, also a woman I admire so. But even when admiring her as she was, I feel sad for her. Because even though she was this radiant being who swept across the world like a storm, she somehow became lost in the concept of being Marilyn Monroe. Despite being so strong, so proud, despite everyone knowing who she was, I doubt there where anyone at all who really knew her in the end. As it always is with magnetic individuals. Just like the fire they carry, they are consumed by their own blazes. To me, Marilyn is the very essence of the word 'starquality'.

- "A prayer for the wild at heart, kept in cages."
Angelina Jolie. Do I even have to explain this one?
If you were to look beyond the obvious about her being dead smexy, she will still never ever be dethroned. She's my definite number one. Always will be. I love what she do and how she does it. I have nothing but respect and admiration for this woman. ... well, that would be desire. But honestly. To me, and should be to everyone who knows me well enough, this one is just to obvious. This is one hell of a woman. That's it.

But still. I don't really know much about any of these women. I do admire their strength, their fire, but most of all I respect their work as well as their persona. I know the difference very well between admiring someone's work and admiring who they are. That is why this list isn't very long. Yet would you ask me anything personal about them I wouldn't have a clue. To me, there's just something in their eyes. Something that you can't mistake for anything else. That... spark is very rare from the start and even harder to keep at times.
Though there is one person in my actual life that goes beyond even admiration.

- "Where would I be, without you by my side loving me?"
My beautiful Marie. There is no one like her anywhere in my world.
I love her for who she is, the good and the bad all in one because it is all part of who she is and she is... amazing in so many ways. She is strong, confident, free, beautiful, sweet, kind, caring... the list goes on and on. And the thing with her is that I have not put her on a piedestal, even though it may sound like that. I do not see her as something she is not. Rather, I see her as she is and her oh so human 'imperfections' is really what makes her perfect. It's what makes us perfect.
If all else fails, if the world would come to an end, she is the one thing in my life I am sure of.
It is beyond words. I love her. She is truly special. And she makes me want to be a better person. She is my inspiration. My support. My guiding light. <3


To conclude it all, to each his own. My rolemodels set my example. They all carry traits that are important to me and my values, as well as to the person I will be. That is also why it is such a fickle thing, but I strongly believe rolemodels are very important throughout life. Whether it's a famous person or someone close to you, to have someone inspiring you to try and reach for that sky is a true blessing.
But it's not about wanting to be someone else, that is not what I am implying. It's about finding your own path through the guidance, or example, of others you can look up to. It's about being encouraged to become the best you can be. Because, at the end of the day it is I who have to live with who I am. And I do not want to look back at my life, wishing I had spent it as someone else. As me.