Bright & Shiny

I hereby withdraw my previous entry for those of you who managed to read it.

Yes. Rollercoaster.
Last night, my necklace broke and it felt like it was my heart that shattered. I have a habit of playing with necklaces, twisting them round my fingers, twirling them and such. This was no exception.
The thing is... this necklace has been my most valued possession for about 6 years now. You see... Angel gave it to me. It's one of the last pieces of him I have left. And I broke it. To a point of no repair. I freaked out and I still get a little misty-eyed thining about how stupid I am for breaking it. I know it's silly. It's just a necklace... right?

I've freaked out about a lot of those little things this past week and it's been worrying me a lot, causing me to freak out even more often. But thankfully, I was in taking my monthly bloodtest when apparently my hormone-levels are through the roof. Which only means one thing. My period's acoming.

You have really no idea how relieved I feel, knowing this past week has mostly been PMS. Despite what one assume, my cycle ambushes me everytime. It's not irregular. That word doesn't begin to cover it. I don't have that usual swelling or that bloated feeling most women get a week ahead. If I peak my sexual appetite I don't notice, 'cause frankly, it's already a bit too high. And since the emotional thing creeps up on me so gradually I don't realize it until it's over. There is no warning at all for me. It seriously ambushes me.

Since my PMS only cover the sadness of moodswings I don't really... notice. Because that's how I always am. Sometimes I get sad. Sometimes for no reason at all. It just... switches easier when I have PMS. I don't get irritated. I don't get angry. I get sad. And since I'm sad quite often, how am I to tell that it's hormones? Especially since I'm supposed to have some kind of disorder that is described like PMS all around.

And it's weird because I freak out so much because it's coming back to me. It scares me to death. Because I don't know if I can take it. I don't know if I'm ready to become human again.
Yet I go about it as if it were the most natural thing in the world. To feel. To be alive. To be... happy. That's what it is. I'm getting there. To being happy. And... it scares me so much, I think I might be chasing it off. I don't know how you do that. I don't know how to make it through life like that. I get the dark and twisty part. I seriously get that. But I'm out of my element here. I don't know happy. I've never been happy before. What if I'm wrong? What if I mess it up? How... how am I supposed to do this?

So I just take a deep breath. And another. And another. Until I just... breathe. 'Cause right now, that's my step. My small step forward. That's all I can do. But right now, it's just enough.