The Butterfly Project

Well. It comes as a surprise to no one that I have issues. I have a lot of them and I frequently tend to flaunt them here. Why publicly? Because I simply don't care. That's right, I really, truly don't care who here reads about it or not. I have no reason to.

One of my issues is that I am a recovering cutter. I say 'recovering' because I am trying to quit. Really.
But if I am to be honest, I still don't see what's so wrong with it. I don't think I ever will either. Frankly, I like it. I like it -a lot-. It's a sensation unlike anything else. So I got addicted. Big time.

Now don't get me wrong. I am not like those emo-kids, scratching my skin a bit to get people to feel sorry for me so I won't be the only one feeling sorry for myself. I don't do that. I may talk about it openly, now that I have admitted that it is a problem, but I do not flaunt my wounds. Most often I prefer to avoid any attention to freshly cut parts of myself, until they have gone into scar mode.
Unlike previously mentioned emos, I actually have a problem with this. I'm not so much emo as I am a psychotic cutter. Yeah, that probably has a more... realistic ring to it. I have cut myself when I've been sad, but I have cut myself when I've been apathetic, angry and even when I'm happy. I just cut. Everyday. Sometimes even without reason.
And by cut, I don't mean like those razorcuts the emo-kids are all about. Heavens no. I'm way past that. When I cut myself, I make it count. I'm very fond of shards of glass, but my most precious items are knifes. There's something so special about seeing blood flowing down the edge of a knife...
Anyhow, when I was at my worst I cut down to the bone. Anywhere, everywhere. I wasn't truly satisfied unless I cut through at least two or three layers of skin. Thus, one day I realized that it had an effect on my physical health as well as my mind (I oppose any kind of addictions). I did something that violated every self-written rule about it that I had and it kind of opened my eyes to how deep into it I was. I sought help, but found none. So you could say I've come all this way without anything.

BUT.
There's still one online organisation I would wish to acknowledge, even though I started out hanging there simply because of their Creative Corner's Lyrics section. Recover Your Life, or RYL, is a very informative community to ex-cutters like myself (amongst others) providing support for both those who have a problem of self-destructive origin as well as to people who know someone with a problem they wish to understand or support. Many of their articles and such are written by the members themselves and offer an insight to the problem seen from the eyes of someone who's in the middle of it. I've been a member there for 4 or 5 years now, but been slightly inactive since their remake (they removed the lyrics-section).
So recently, just a few days ago actually, I revisited this site and stumbled upon something called The Butterfly Project. Basically, the point of the project is to help self-harmers that want to quit to do so, in a more creative way. This is how it goes;

"The self-harmer simply draws a butterfly on their place(s) of self-harm and if the butterfly fades without them self-harming, it means it has lived and flown away, giving them a sense of achievement. Whereas if they do self-harm with the butterfly there; they will have to wash it off. If that does happen, they can start again by drawing a new one on."

Well, when I read it the part the butterfly flies away and the sense of achievement I knew that would be pure bullshit to me, but I grew strangely fond of the thought anyhow.
I read a lot of the members comments on this and they actually made quite a few good points that could be combined with this. One girl recommended that you should add a name of a loved one who gets hurts by your cutting since it would remind you everytime that you're not only hurting yourself, but others as well. That's kind of sweet, yet something inside me wants to protest, saying that they have nothing to do with it, why bother? But that's just my inner cutter talking, and I know that part of me would tell(convince) me that the moon actually is made of cheese if it would get me to cut myself. ^^ We don't really get along all the time. ;)

I like the Butterfly Project. Because even if you don't buy that crap about how it flies away, or even use a butterfly, it may still be effective to have a constant reminder to abstain in the places where you usually harm yourself. It may not give you a sense of achievement either, but it might help you get through the day and that's... a lot. So I think I might give it a try. But I'm drawing foxes instead. ^^

For those of you who would want to read more, you can find RYL at http://www.recoveryourlife.com/.
One thing you can learn there is that the colour of SI(self-injury)-awareness is orange. I bet most of you don't care. Though, to those of you who know me you might have noticed that no matter what else I might wear I always carry with me a small, orange accessory. Might have. But I doubt sincerely that you have. :)