On this day, five years ago, I died.
Five years. Can you imagine, love? That it has already been so long ago?
I can't. It still feels as if you will be there if I only turn around. Though at the same time I am so very aware of your absence. There is a huge aching void in my heart reminding me every day.
It never goes away. The pain. It has not faded. I have not numbed. It burns my inside constantly. Sometimes it still knocks the air out of me, and I grow weak. I guess there are wounds even time cannot heal. ... as if I didn't know.
It still happens that I dial your number before realizing that you are not there to answer my call. And it hits me like a thousand bricks, every time. I should be used to it by now. Shouldn't I?
Yet it still breaks my heart every time I remember reality. Remember...
I hate the memories, for they are all I have left. I hate the tears, brought forth by the emptiness you left behind. And I hate... that not a day goes by without me missing you so much it actually does hurt.
Five years... and I'm still bleeding.
If I could I would give all I have for one more day with you, one hour, one moment, one... last look... upon your smile.
I do not mean to wallow in my grief. I do not wish for it to linger as it does. But how can it not? You were my everything. The single thing that kept my chalice from shattering was you and the one thing now keeping the pieces apart is... you.
... your fate broke me.
Even now I am struggling with the aftermath of that loss. But I have accepted my fate now. And gradually, it is getting easier to breathe. The pain is no longer crushing my chest, it is reduced to simple mental distress. Simple... heh.
I pray, to whatever deity that holds you now, that you are well. That you may truly rest in peace and that none of your past pains torments you now. I hope that you have met up with Ember and the others. I know that you can tell I am trying. I know you know... everything.
I do bare my soul a little too much, don't I? You always told me I was bad at speaking my heart rather than my mind. I still am. Despite this.
Mourning you comes in such abundance I cannot contain it all. It is bound to leak out of me. And I don't mind. But I would rather that they know of the you I loved than the you I lament.
This day in my life is for you. Every year it has been for you, every year it will be for you. I will not forget all the joys you brought into my life. All the relief, the happiness, the love... I will remember until the day I join you. Where the heavens meet the earth, right? One day I'll meet you there, my love. One day...
Until then;
In Remembrance
Angel
2002-10-03
I love you.
Five years. Can you imagine, love? That it has already been so long ago?
I can't. It still feels as if you will be there if I only turn around. Though at the same time I am so very aware of your absence. There is a huge aching void in my heart reminding me every day.
It never goes away. The pain. It has not faded. I have not numbed. It burns my inside constantly. Sometimes it still knocks the air out of me, and I grow weak. I guess there are wounds even time cannot heal. ... as if I didn't know.
It still happens that I dial your number before realizing that you are not there to answer my call. And it hits me like a thousand bricks, every time. I should be used to it by now. Shouldn't I?
Yet it still breaks my heart every time I remember reality. Remember...
I hate the memories, for they are all I have left. I hate the tears, brought forth by the emptiness you left behind. And I hate... that not a day goes by without me missing you so much it actually does hurt.
Five years... and I'm still bleeding.
If I could I would give all I have for one more day with you, one hour, one moment, one... last look... upon your smile.
I do not mean to wallow in my grief. I do not wish for it to linger as it does. But how can it not? You were my everything. The single thing that kept my chalice from shattering was you and the one thing now keeping the pieces apart is... you.
... your fate broke me.
Even now I am struggling with the aftermath of that loss. But I have accepted my fate now. And gradually, it is getting easier to breathe. The pain is no longer crushing my chest, it is reduced to simple mental distress. Simple... heh.
I pray, to whatever deity that holds you now, that you are well. That you may truly rest in peace and that none of your past pains torments you now. I hope that you have met up with Ember and the others. I know that you can tell I am trying. I know you know... everything.
I do bare my soul a little too much, don't I? You always told me I was bad at speaking my heart rather than my mind. I still am. Despite this.
Mourning you comes in such abundance I cannot contain it all. It is bound to leak out of me. And I don't mind. But I would rather that they know of the you I loved than the you I lament.
This day in my life is for you. Every year it has been for you, every year it will be for you. I will not forget all the joys you brought into my life. All the relief, the happiness, the love... I will remember until the day I join you. Where the heavens meet the earth, right? One day I'll meet you there, my love. One day...
Until then;
In Remembrance
Angel
2002-10-03
I love you.
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